Been very much in the dumps today. If you’ve ever been diagnosed with Clinical Depression you know how that feeliing of hopelessness grips you and the despondency that accompanies it.

Told hubby today we should find homes for the horses. He said he would never ask me to sell the horses. That’s not what I said – I’m not asking HIM to do it or IF we should do it – I’m telling him to consider this as an option,especially with the bills and me having to work full time at the barn to make ends meet – which they are not meeting  – so back full circle to what’s the point?

It all seems very pointless… and doubtful that Beautiful Boy can amount to a hill of beans…

I had a fun time at Molly’s the other day and she was encouraging about Boy but I expected that. I mean she always believes things can be better.

I don’t feel connected to the horses – I know that is the fog of depression and grief over Dear One’s death, but knowing that intellectually is not making me feel better or wanting to do anything but walk away.

Then there’s the horse search – which is totally making me want to crawl into a hole and die. I think the whole reason/motivation for the search is to find that heart/soul mate that I had in Dear One. Though there is something that is pushing me onwards to do this – more often then not it just makes me more depressed, sad, morose and wanting to retreat further.