the pleasure of horses

Being with the horses gives me the most pleasure I’ve ever had in my life. This includes my relationship with my husband or my children. I’m sorry if they take that as insult, but horses provide me something that human relationships cannot (and vice-versa).

Husband understands this and it is why, even though our finances are wobbly, he supports my decision to keep the horses. I was asked last night by an acquaintance why I just don’t sell the horses, and I really couldn’t reply because she would not understand: it would break my heart.

My heart has been broken many times; I’m not sure how much more it would be able to take before just giving way completely. Losing my horses would probably remove my last interest in living on this planet. I could continue to function as a zombie, go through the motions, raise my children, do a job,  – after all I was trained by the best parents in the world to suffer under extreme mental torture and still act like everything was normal – but there would be no joy without horses.

Over the course of our marriage, I have given many sacrifices and if this last one is asked of me too, I will not predict what the outcome would be. It would be bad to say the least. Husband is wise in that he knows this.

He also knows that I often consider much things would be easier financially without them – and perhaps because of my self-annihilating tendencies could be convinced, in a dark moment, to sell them (I’ve come awfully close to the edge of that cliff and drew back at the last moment) but also he realizes the cost more then I.

I have a very wise and loving husband. More generous to myself then I am.

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