When you are alone, a crisis of faith

Yesterday I had a bit of a crisis of faith. Most of that feeling was born from the barn where I board getting too busy with people.

The landowner came and told me last weekend that the person who lives on the property, renting the small house, once again griped to him about me parking on the lawn. This friction had come up a year ago which resulted in hand printed signs on my gate and a confrontation where I was yelled at by the renter and his wife. This was supposedly settled when the landowner told him I could park on the lawn as I had feed to unload etc….

Yet here we go again – with the gossip, backstabbing and me being “watched” by unfriendly eyes. Thankfully, the landowner, who is the only person who matters, doesn’t care where I park and stated again that the renter needed to mind his own business.

I’ve dealt with this many times before because I’ve boarded horses for over 20 years. Where there are people there is greed, envy, jealousy, arrogance and pride. When you have something that other people are jealous of, or if a person has an insecure personality, issues like this arise.

It is also apparent that the situation with me helping Spotty’s owner has also gone south. She wants to listen to people who will tell her what she wants to hear. I have to let that go but the de-attaching process is unsettling as I have to disengage and let the friendship remain casual so no other damaging gossip and backstabbing happens.

I am far better at burning bridges…

Another boarder is in town and working her horse when I work mine. She follows Clinton Anderson techniques and this “training” happening at the same time as I do my own horse can be distracting to my work. Again because I’ve been a boarder for a long time, I’ve dealt with this problem before and it means acquiring a laser focus to block out any and all distractions when I do my training or riding.

She rode her horse yesterday and wasn’t thrown off – I disagree with her methods but yet, she is riding and I am not.

Having doubts is what happens when you work alone, carving out a way to go on that less-traveled-path. My method takes longer, goes slower, and allows the horse a great deal of freedom physically and mentally which many horse people are very uncomfortable doing.

The changes my training makes are so gradual over a long period of time that unless you have a well trained eye and a sophisticated knowledge of how a horse moves physically, you will miss what I’m accomplishing.

Yet, I’ve made mistakes – misjudgments – that have cost my heart dear. I am not infallible and Z proved that to me.

However, I also know that doubts are natural and are tied to emotions. Once the emotions subsided, which they did, I had a great day with Dante today and he clearly showed me that he is already improving by leaps and bounds, faster then I expected.

Dante is not Z. Dante is already showing that he is more engaged, more willing and ready to learn than Z was on any day, even her very best day is far inferior to Dante’s worst day.

It is hard to have Faith but Consistency and Perseverance will win.

This entry was posted in Healing & Spiritual Self, Mindfulness. Bookmark the permalink.

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